It’s taken me a while to be able to write anything lately. Part of that is because I just wanted to scream, I’M PREGNANT, as loud as I could. Another part of me was scared for the future, for another loss. Today has been six months since Gavin was born and I thought it would be therapeutic for me to write.
First of all, being pregnant again – what has that been like? It’s been a mix of emotions from happiness, guilt, worry, anxiety, fear and love. Let me to back several months ago… It was November and I was discussing with David how we really had to be careful because I didn’t want to have the same timelines. I said it would hurt to much to go through everything at the same time. A few days later I had a conversation with a fellow loss mom who said something like, ‘wouldn’t it be quite the sign if something like that happened?’ I took that thought home and pondered on it for a few days. I said to myself, you know what, whatever happens will happen – and it’s not like I was going to get pregnant right away. I didn’t even know when I was ovulating. Fast forward a few weeks and it was about a week or so before Christmas when I realized that I was late. I told David immediately. He said, “I knew it, your boobs are different!” I was in denial at this point. I didn’t want to believe it was true. I didn’t want to hurt again. I didn’t to love and lose. I didn’t want to face reality. I had a doctors appointment set up for something else, so I decided I should tell my doctor. He asked if I could give a urine sample, which I said not currently. He then gave me the form to complete blood work which would confirm or deny what we thought. Because I was still in denial about it all, I thought it would be best to get through Christmas and come back to this after. I knew Christmas would be hard without Gavin (and I was right).
David and I have divorced families, so Christmas is a busy time of year with many dinners to go attend. Typically it is fun to spend so much time with our families, but this year our hearts were a little bit heavier. We had purchased wood slices from GreyWoods Design for Gavin’s grandparents and Great grandpa for Christmas. We were excited to share such a beautiful piece with our family members. All uniquely made with Gavin’s very own footprint. They all loved them and many tears were shed. Thank you Danielle for your amazing pieces!
My brother had gotten this beautiful piece made for us. (We still need to hang it up). The footprints traced from Gavin’s. The words and feet cut out using a scroll saw. He also gave one to my parents. More tears were shed.
As hard as some of the moments were, there is a part of me that is happy that so many people are touched by Gavin. Christmas day was very hard for me. Since Gavin was born on the 25th, it was exactly 4 months since I gave birth. Gavin was supposed to be here celebrating his first Christmas. In the summer I remember saying to people, the baby (we didn’t know gender) won’t even know whats going on, so not very many presents please! I wish that we had all the presents to give to our little boy!! We went to the cemetery to visit with Gavin and I bawled my eyes out. When we left I told David all I wanted was a hug from my mom. We drove straight there and I just cried in her arms for a few minutes. It felt good to be comforted by my mom. After that we came home and cleaned up and went to another family dinner. It was good to spend so much time with our families, but it was hard knowing something – Gavin – was missing. In the back of my mind I knew I was pregnant.
Finally after all of our Christmas events were over I peed on a home pregnancy test. Dec 27th. It was positive. David was so excited. I was still in denial, not sure if I was ready for this to be true. I felt so guilty for being pregnant. I hadn’t even tried to get pregnant and it just happened. I have met so many moms who struggle with infertility and here I was not really acknowledging the baby that was created. After a few days I realized that I needed to go get the blood work done, this would confirm to my doctor that I was pregnant and I could find out what (if anything) I needed to do differently this time. I was transferred from my family doctor to my O.B. right away. I shared my concerns with my O.B. about having another loss and how anxious I was. All very valid and normal thoughts for loss mothers. An ultra sound was scheduled for the very next Monday. Me being in a rush to see the baby inside of me confirmed, not realizing David was in first aid that day. David and I decided I shouldn’t cancel because it may help my anxiety so I went alone. In the room, the technician had asked if this was my first pregnancy. I cried and told her no, and explained my first son was still born. She was very gentle with me, handed some tissues and when I was ready proceeded. She talked me through the procedure saying there was a sac and a heart beat. She would get through the images she needed too and then turn the monitor so I could see. It was very comforting to see that tiny heart beat that day! When I left I got the images so I could share with David.
From Feb 5th to 11th we spent time sharing the news with our family and some friends. All are very excited for us. David and I are thrilled!! However, I was anxious because it had been quite some time since my 1st ultrasound. On Feb 21 we had an appointment to hear the baby’s heart beat. It was a beautiful sound! I felt like so much of my anxiety was lifted in that moment. I will still be worried and concerned until I am able to come home with a living baby.
I have spoken to several loss momma’s who have gone on to had (or are having) another child and it’s not an easy journey. I am grateful for their support. I am grateful for everyone’s love and support. We are being hopeful. We are excited to grow our family. As scared as I am some days, I am so happy and overwhelmed with love! Love for Gavin and love for our “Poppy Seed”. It’s going to be quite an emotional journey over the next 25 weeks.
6 Months / 184 Days
Who knew this time could come so fast! I thought today was going to be a lot harder than it has been. Maybe I was building the day up in my head over the past several weeks. David and I have had a good day. We’ve had a quiet weekend at home which was nice. We’ve both thought about Gavin a lot. We went to the cemetery (as we do each Sunday) and it was nice. There is so much love for Gavin and that love is comforting.